Hi hi,

It's one of those interesting thinggies.

I know that I am supposed to get better, to start getting happier and to be able to deal with things better but I feel bad for starting to be able to do so.

Isn't that funny?

It sort of feels like I've been down for such a long time that when I am having a good day where I'm not forcing myself to be super happy high then I wonder what is wrong with me.

There is a good possibility that I will get to the point that I feel guilty and bad for feeling good and I know that is a bad thing and a dangerous place to be but it really could happen.

and it may happen because I've been down for such a long time that I've forgotten what it is like to be in a good mood without sugar and caffeinate myself into it.

or it may be because I don't want to get "better"

I spent such a long time working on accepting me for what I was. "I'm over weight but I like chocolate and I wont give that up." "I'm not a girly girly and that's ok because I'm strong enough to exist without a man." that I don't know if I want to change to what I could be.

Will I like the better new and improved me? Will I want to be me with all of the bleakness striped away? Will other people still like me? will I still care about other people the way I do now? So many question and only time will answer any of them.

This of course is coming from the mind of someone who slept all day as a way of avoiding checking her work emails on a public holiday and who woke up around 5 pm wondering why in the hell the room was moving. Apparently if you don't take your anti deps the remind you.

And I lay there for ages wondering if I needed to take them. Then realised that was a dangerous thought and began to think of the pros and cons related to them.

Pro: I'm feeling better, I don't need them any more.
Con: They could be the reason I'm feeling better, I should keep taking them.
Pro: I am strong enough to handle this on my own again, without drugs.
Con: I am not a doctor, I have health care professionals who will tell me when I don't need them any more.

In the end I took my tablet. I'm still considering detoxing from them before I become completely dependant on them to handle all the things for me. I've already found them to be quite a convenient excuse when I'm acting beyond the way people normally see me.

Or at least the way I think people see me.

In happier news (Yes... I have that too) I went out to Moonlight photography with a whole group of people last night and I had a blast. We wandered around town dressed up in a whole lot of fantasy and formal costumes and took pictures of us all around Adelaide.

I had a great time.

Of course once I've looked over the photos I'll be convinced that I'm way fat and that I don't need to eat until I'm a size eight or something ridiculous. And then I'll cycle through the whole, must have chocolate to make self feel better thing.. and then I'll recycle into the punishment stage and drink water for half a day or something.

eventually I will get my head right.

Until then I think I'll listen to the doctors.

The insane N

p.s. I've also accepted that SP will never apologise for what he did. The big step for me is that instead of saying something nice like "I wish you a great life.." Blah blah.. etc.. I've come to this one simple understanding.

"Fuck Him."

p.p.s. I think that the drugs do have their benefits.

Hmm well sweet readers i have an interesting question for you all today.

Have you ever had to say your sorry to someone?

I'm sure all of us have.

I'm sure that all of us know that there is a time limit on that word that affects the sincerity and all sorts of other fun things.

And I know for a fact that on one particular sorry time has run out.

Go chase down the puppy. It's obvious that you prefer to chase tail than attempt to rebuild a friendship.

The Incredible N

Yes.

Short post.

I've noted that there have been some very down people around. I'm possibly one of them.

But I've found a good question to ask.

"what benefit does this person bring to me life?"

If the answer is 'none' or 'they shit me to tears' maybe it's better to let them go.

Even my shrink thinks that's a good idea.

the insightful N

What a long and interesting few days. Though technically Weeks is more likely.

The scratches are healing and I've finally given JB (read shrink) the link to my Live Journal. This of course won't alter what I write in here. It didn't when I linked Specific Person (as previously mentioned) to the journal.

So here is a big hooray to not pulling any punches.

I'm still angsting over this whole three months nine days, images of butterflies and SP curled up on the ground as something walks away. could be someone, not sure.

SO I'm sitting here, at half past midnight, listening to Blue Monkey Jazz. (release the night monkey)

Where do we sit. Well. SP and I had a chat after the crazy stuff that happened on Sat/Sun. I don't know how ok I should be with the whole thing. The people who I have talked to know me well enough to not react in a particular way so that I follow in that reaction. It's all damn confusing because the only one who is pandering to my validation is SP and he still wants to be friends.

I think I want that but I don't know yet. I won't know until I've been face to face with him. Read the energies, see how anxious I am, how upset I really am.

Maybe thats why everyone has been so reserved about it. I don't know how I want to react so they don't know how to react.

Yay, eggshells.

So things are rightly fucked up. JL (Hi hi!) covered me with bandages and everyone has been looking at me like I tried to kill myself. Not that I didn't think about it. again Avoidance seems to be the best thing for me in these situations. Simply not dealing is easier than upsetting or hurting someone else.

I'm going to go and review the chat logs. But before I do that, lets do something exciting and let my characters have a say.

Night: Look. I'm old. What I can tell you is that anyone who plays you like this should be kicked to the curb. It doesn't matter what you feel, it's focusing on the incident and remembering what you felt at that moment. You were scared as hell. Don't hang around because you have hope. Get out before something else bad happens and you get really hurt.

Chalice: Yeah. You're in deep. Don't over react. Think things through and react when you're ready. It won't be easy. But you need to make the choices on your own. Don't let others influence you. Put N first for once.

Kate: You never know what the future holds. But you'll walk into it with the right choice in your heart and your head held high because it will be a choice that you made.

Gleith: *raised eye brow* Kate is a fortune cookie. Fuck him. He hurt you. Hurt him back. Make him crawl and then shoot him. Works for me.

Azura: You tend to lean towards wanting to protect people. Who is going to protect you? Yes, you still have feelings. But you know that everytime you look at them together it will cut deeply. This isn;t about running away. This is about you finding the balance and knowing where you stand in his life and where he stands in yours. If you decided that you don't want him in your life then stick to your guns. But if there is a chance that he will win back the trust he has broken, then let it run its course. Don't push it.

Painted: Certainly this is problamatic. You are a victim of your past and you continually dip into what happened. Will you play the victim for the collective called "we"? or will you take up arms and help SP destroy them? is it even your path to walk. He certainly does not want to walk the same path that you are. This was very clearly pointed out. meditate upon your response. Do not let others rush you. In your own time young one.



...

Reading logs.. WHy is it that every guy that I've liked that hasn't liked me has told me that "I deserve far better" Even JK said it while we were dating and again when we broke up. "I don't deserve you. you could do so much better" News flash guys. If I was going to do much better then I would be out putting my interests and time into what you see as "much better" if I'm not then theres a damn good chance that I don't want "much better" I want you.

Please though. by no account hold back. Lay it all on the line and give me every tiny reason that you spurned what I told you from the heart. Every thought, every ideal. Certainly tell me that I'm no where near as exciting as someone that you would go to on your knees. Please, tell me what is wrong with me because I keep hitting this stupid viscious cycle and it turns and tumbles and hurts me and I know that I'll never truly get out. No hand in the darkness. No one is going to swing in on a vine or on horse back and rescue me. Nine times out of ten i have to rescue myself. Like my characters do.

Thanks for telling her to back off SP it makes me feel mentally retarded that you felt her flinging herself at you antagonised me. What it actually does is sicken me to the stomach because it HURTS SO FUCKING MUCH.

so yeah.. thanks for that.

after all. I'll pull the mask down and I'll pretend to get over it and no one will ever really know. You can't read me as well as I can read you. You won't know when I'm dying on the inside.

on and thanks for the "do good and you'll attract good people to you" pep talk attempt. What more good can I do? For fucks sake. I'm stepping back. I'm nice. I offered her a slice of hope while my own heart was breaking like a dropped mirror. I trusted you again and again and again. I smile, I'm happy, I'm there for the people that are important to me. I dance about like a lunatic. What more can I do to be good?

so lets review. I'll become one of the boys in the life of another guy that preferred someone prettier, smaller, weaker and more demanding than I. I'll sit by quietly as every smile, touch and hug is passed between you.

And one day you'll look up and I'll be gone. You won't know when. You won't find me. I'll still be but I won't be around you. You're not going to hurt me ever again.

I think you just blew all of the luck I lent you SP. Because at the moment you have a chance.

and I am so very messed up.

Firstly, hi!

Secondly, you win.

Thirdly, I won't ever be alone with him again.

Thank you for your time.

Well. What a turn around. 24 hours and I'm ready to eat some words.

I'm being a bitch. Big time and I don't know if thats not the wrong thing to do at the junction. Yes I feel bad but I also don't want to get hurt because I just rolled over like a little puppy and took the continual kicks to the ribs. (the ribs being the part that protect the heart)

I guess I need to find the balance between how I was feeling and posting about the other day and the now. Because right now I think I want to lash out and hurt people and that usually focuses inwards and I'm likely to cut up my face or something. I can't talk myself out of that forever.

Yes. I get now that although I do still have some kind of feeling for said person, said person (now shortened to SP due to absolute lazyness) likes someone else and did take the time to explain this to me at length.

So I've been a bitch to her too, that makes me feel worse but I think it's expected of me. or... at least I think I think its expected of me. Far too confusing for this one single chicken. I don't think she understands why I'm being a bitch either. It probably wasn't explained at length.. and hey, why should she care. Essentially she won.

I will focus on what I know. I know that if SP wants someone else then who am I to get in the middle or the way, which seems to be the more appropriate thing to say. And though I want something else, though I want to point out things that paint whats happening in a poor light, I can't do it because that would be crossing a line that I can't cross.

Yes, I'm a cynical evil bitch that can come up with some of the evillest plans ever but at the same time coming up with and following through with are two entierly different things and ruining peoples chances at happieness, whatever that is, isn't something that sits comfortably, and lets face it. I have huge scratches up my arms from my previous attempts at being an evil bitch and they hurt a lot.

SO where do I go from here dear readers? dear diary? where on earth? I guess I could just sit back with popcorn and see where it all leads. That might be the smart thing to do.

At the same time, my mind keeps drawing me back to things that were said, whispered, demanded, words that really had a positive effect on me that all came crashing down with the rising of the tuesday sun. I realise that again the person that I liked simply couldn't like me back because there was someone else. at least I know how to pick guys that will make other women happy. Again I find myself wondering what on earth is wrong with me. Why on earth the people that I like can't like me back. Why does there always have to be someone prettier, someone who just gets them, someone that's been there or who needs them more or what ever cliche reason that I've heard before a million times over again.

ahh hells, now I've triggered the abandonment life trap. great. more tears. Just what I need.

Here comes the rejection and the hurt again.
What did she have that I didn't
Why can't I stand up and fight for this one?
Here I go again.
It's easier to run, they wouldn't find me any ways,
I know how to hide, I'm a little black duck.
It burns on the inside, thinking back over things,
I wonder if I really was ......

And if I can let you in on a secret. What really pisses me off is that I stepped out of a comfort zone to point out things that I don't point out to people. I'm all shy giggles and coy hints. I don't come out and say "I like you" that isn't me.

But I did and I got burned.

SP likes fire though. I assume that there is some irony behind this.

I don't know what to do or how to do it. Maybe I'll die before I get to exalted. That would make it easier. Death, the ultimate avoidance.

Exalted is going to be interesting. Most of the players know that there is some kind of tension building and I have the sinking feeling that not only will both SP (who plays a couple of characters) and the new girl in his life be there, they'll be all over each other like butter on bread and I'll develop the urge to be more of a bitch. Or I'll run.

And if they don't let me. I'll run further.

Nicole

MMM. I woke up feeling like today was going to be a good one. Last night was certainly a mood lifter. Nothing like watching student politicians try and kill each other with dark glares and wild accusations. (Where do they learn all of those big words anyways?)

Then there was the drinking. The lots and lots and lots of drinking that saw me being escorted home by two very good people HM (Again!) and JM (no relation) we all crashed out in bed and talked and snuggled and slept and I felt very much loved. Which is good because I don't feel loved a lot of the time so it was really nice to be snuggled.

Woke up this morning and the person mentioned before in previous posts was on my mind. Still is. let me get into the ten foot tall thing.

There are times in this life where you get up, feel like you could possibly be very slightly hung over and want to do nothing more than snuggled back under the covers of your bed where its warm, with good friends, who are also warm. This morning was nearly one of those mornings but once I got outside and sat on the bus for a while I started feeling better. in fact by the time I got my breakfast I felt fantastic because today I know something good is going to happen. I don't know what or when or where but I know that it's a great great thing and it's coming. (Breaks into "somethings coming" from west side story)

I don't know if I actually am bullet proof but today I feel that I could handle anything that the universe throws at me (please don't oh awesome universe, it is just an expression.) lets hope that I don't get shot.

Part tiger... meow!

^---^
0 0
= X =

Meow!!!! ... Roar?...

Translation: Bring it on world. Today I happy

The insane N

P.s. Please stop posting on my journal and telling me what I already know. You know who you are.

Well hello again journal,

This must be a treat for you, me writing in you twice in one day. So. off I trundled for a late lunch and a chat with (the person whom i mentioned before) Sadly said person was detained and i was unable to speak with said person.

This annoyed me. Despite the over-reaction of the previous night, And that really was an over reaction. Lets face it N when you delete yourself from FB you've gotten to Drama land. Despite the things that happened on Friday night I was looking forwards to seeing said person. Despite the seriousness of the situation and the anxiety that was building, I really wanted to catch up.

Said person called and spoke with me briefly, apologized for not being able to come and that was fine. I took the chance that we would both be free and I wasn't correct. There will be other times to talk. Said person mentioned that there was less of a feeling of 'swallowing razor blades' now and I have an inkling that part of the terrible feelings that I've been having over the last few days is because I've brought them on myself and have been sharing empathically what said person has been feeling.

At the same time I don't think talking to the afore mentioned person earlier than this would have been a good idea. I needed the time to think through what I wanted to say and to decide if I still felt the same way I did before the incident of Friday night.

I do.

I really truly honestly do feel the same way though I feel terrible for putting said person through the torture for the rest of the weekend.

oh... you want to know about the over reaction, fair enough.

I walked home from Mile End, those of you who know where I live know thats nearly a 10 km walk. Which would have been fine but it was 3 am on what was technically Saturday morning. Four cars stopped and offered me lifts and I told each of the single male drivers to FUCK OFF. The entire walk home I listened to music on my ipod and cried. easy to tell that I was very upset. I posted something stupid on FB and when I got home had received a text message about it from a friend.

I deleted the post from FB, had a bath, went to bed. got up, redeleted the post from FB then deactivated my account. HM (have I mentioned her before.. no.. HM RULES) talked me out of some very silly things that included:
-giving up my lunar character for RPing club
-Stopping playing Changling and Camling (Two things that I really enjoy doing)
- Never stepping foot in the CA again
- moving
- leaving adelaide forever and generally avoiding anywhere that said person may ever be ever again.

Once HM had talked me out of the worst of these things she convinced me that I wanted to go to the football with her (Crows won!!) and was generally the Awesome friend that she is.

So. that was the over reaction. I'll write more about other things later but for now there are very few people who do know what happened on Friday and a lot of people that will never know. I owe it to said person to fill in all the details for them before it becomes any kind of any public knowledge. I really owe it to said person to make sure that they understand that while I was dramatically angry with them over the weekend I'm much better now and really do just need to sit down and talk things over and figure things out.

I hope that said person realises this and feels the same.

(there is also a deep hope that said person doesn't yell at me for walking home at stupid hours of the morning or for the stress scratching. *crosses fingers*)

Well diary, two in one day, Lets hope that the next post is a good one.

The infallible N

(Yes HM, I so am infallible)

Let she who has never been a bitch cast the first stone.

Well, lets just say thats how I feel right now. I feel like a complete bitch. Things got broken on the weekend (this is of course the metaphorical kind of broken as opposed to the actual kind of broken) and there may have been a long walk home at some ungodessly hour of the morning. (Though the woman never sleeps so technically....)

So. I feel like a bitch. I really. really. really. feel like a bitch.

Mostly because I promised someone that I would always be upfront with them and I've managed to screw that up completely, it didn't take me long at all. Nope, not long at all.

I set out a boundary that actually causes me more stress than it does to said person at the moment and I can only hope that I can put it right before all manner of things hurt even more.

Also, the stress scratching happened following friday night so I really should deal with this sooner rather than later.

So today I sent (insert persons name here) a text and asked said person to meet me. I can't guarantee that it will happen as I plan but I can hope.

So..... you went out last weekend huh? finished off a bottle of Champagne... a few shots of tequila, some Sangria, some margaritas .. and then there was the half a bottle of vodka that you drank, mostly as shots.

There is a reason that you threw up all over the place...

I'm not sure if there was a reason for you getting on with your ex's new girlfriend though.. As almost half epic as it was. And yes it was nice of them to tuck you into bed. I've very proud of you for not agreeing to having a threesome with them. Even if the only reason that you didn't do it was because you were too drunk and you thought that it would be bad to throw up on them while f*cking.

Ok N, enough third person. Because that WAS you making out with J's new girlfriend.

So. what have we learnt? Wellllll First and foremost I don't think that drinking copious amounts of alcohol is a good idea for you.

Secondly.. and let me put this in caps. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO HAVE A THREESOME WITH THEM EVER.

need it again.... good..

That's it for now.

The invisible N

GODDESS, fuck this. It's a clear cut case of why the hell would you and then wait.. and blather and then not... ARG..

Dead jew staple gunned to an A-frame.

Sometimes you make me so mad.

Why must it be "I know what I know and actually.." or some story about... Whatever..

sometimes I wish that I could just scream into your ear that I don't actually care or that you've said that before and it was stupid and petty the first time.

Are you that self absorbed that you really don't know when someone is bleeding to death in the same room as you and all you can see is your own pain?

No?

Didn't realise?

Didn't think so.

Sometimes I wish I could just tell you to go and fuck youself.

The irritable N

Well Hello online journal,

Hope all has been well with you. I'm writing this as my nails dry so forgive the typos if they occur.

It's been 14 weeks since I last posted in you. 14 weeks of crazy stuff that I could write about.

First up is the convention. the 48th National Convention called Conjecture that was held in Adelaide recently. I helped to run it. Put in a bit of work and we really got a good run out of it. It had it's up, it's downs and it's chocolate but over all people seemed to enjoy themselves and we didn't get many complaints. (Or a program booklet but that's another story).

Interestingly (that's all about the Con BTW, the rest is angsty stuff, stop reading if you were just interested in the con) Interestingly I've come to the point where I can call J a lot of names and not feel guilty. Finally I am able to refer to him as a dastardly monster who is having untoward relations with a woman of questionable character.

That said, in a moment of weakness that lead me to decide it was easier to get myself committed than turn up at a party that J and his new GF were going to be at. I talked with him about it and he let me know that she wasn't going to go so I wouldn't feel awquard. Except that it's J that makes me feel awquard. Sure if she is there I will spend the majority of the evening wondering what in the hell she does better than me that made him leave me for her. And sure the last party that I went too he was at I rocked up very drunk and told him I was still in love with him before I walked home and passed out. (Great NYE by the way)

Then of course, I had to wonder if I should invite him to my birthday.

I'm focusing on him too much I think. I need to start self focusing again. Stop the thoughts wandering onto things that I shouldn't waste a moments thought on. Instead I let them flood my mind and take over.

N enough is enough. He broke up with you at the start of December. You saw it coming. You were unhappy with the way he started treating you at times. The Sex wasn't that great. Yes he was your first, but he won't be your last unless you keep carrying that flame for him. He doesn't want it and you don't need it so drop it in the moat and storm the castle already.

New Mantra : Take care of your self. Then others. That order.

Newer Mantra: You First. You First. You First.

Also, Waffles at Viva Espresso are Awesome!

SO, self.. what are we going to do? Well.. First go to the party have an awesome time and be you. Don't let some silly old relationship stop you from living.. and ... while were on the subject, even if she was introduced to you as a woman of lose morals, you're only hurting youself by continuing on that candle. Let it go. Settle on, "if she makes him happy" and run with it.

Make your self happy for a change.

Have a Waffle.

The Interstellar N

Calling to all the old gang,
Those that used to skip with me through the streets,
THe ones that broke out of SHinra Tower with me on a number of occasions.
The ones who played "nessun DOrma" For Arwen as she poured us drinks at her bar.

The old gang, Come one come all, The space will be open to you soon.

To the old gang, Cheers!

Skip down the streets Ye mad little creatures,
dance under our feet as we fly.
The old gang is here at last at last,
you know we swore we'd never die.

Through grave yards, on horses and dancing in clubs,
havok mayhem and paniced crowds running,

staring down deons and dragons and those that might harm us,

Calling the old gang again.

Come out and play.

The illuminated N

What a change a few extra weeks of self insanity can make.

Not only do I feel better about being single, I feel good about being on my own. I never realised what you can accomplish when you don't have to consider another person in your scope.

Also, how nice is it to go out and do things where you don't have to pay for another person, or think about what they will like. BLISS.

Still friends of course, still talking yes, Still hanging out with his mother, definatly. Getting through the awkward thing, slowly, but it is happening.

Bouncing about the new Dresden Novel, HELL YES Bring on Turn Coat!

Also excited to be finally getting all the SNC stuff written up into what could eventually pass for a book. Will keep you updated on this oh dear diary.

Anyways..

Off I go

Well hello Journal.

Imagine running into you here. On the internet.

It turns out that I had the tools to deal with this all along. I've begun the process of Behaviouraly Cognitioning myself into thinking of J as nothing more than a brother. Hell his family pretty much adopted me, It isnt going to be that hard.

In other news I may have done something completly stupid as far as offering to be friends with not only J but his New Girl Friend R.

I guess only time will tell if I have made a serious error of judgement.

Will keep you update.

N

What do I want for christmas?

Wait, christmas is over.

He's met someone new.

Time to let go.

N

All i really want for christmas, the best gift ever that no one will think of giving me is him back in my arms. with his head screwed back on right so that the darkness doesnt dance about him like the sugar plum fairy.

All i really want for christmas is to go back two months ago and to fight harder to keep him by my side. To show him that I don't care if he drags me back into the darkness, to fight it off with him and to help him like he helped me.

But I don't think that even jolly fat St Nick will be able to give me that.

All i want... is for the pain to end.

But I made it to christmas. Guess I'll have to make it to easter next.

N

It's time that this was all over.

N

Why are your eyes shining back at me when all this pain surrounds?
Why are you pretending to be fine?
Why on earth are you drinking away your life?
Why can't he still be mine?

Maybe its time to start letting go,
isn't that how it works?
You let go and crash to the ground.
hang out with the people who surround.
Listen to the sound of tears in the darkness,
who is that.. oh .. it me.

Mirror girl why are you lying to yourself?
Lie lie lie thats all you ever do.
Your unhappy with what you have, so change.
Don't lie when they ask how you are, Don't let them ask.
Don't smile when your insides are tearing apart.
and stop doing stupid things.
you really dont want to get stabbed, just to see if you can still feel.
At least... I dont think you do.

Maybe thats me. Mirror Girl.
Staring back with that false smile and wide eyes.

Flightless bird, take the wings and learn to fly on your own.
Be who you are supposed to be instead of the perfect one that you think people want you to be.

It's time to do things for yourself.

Put yourself first.


Oh.. and one last thing. Chocolate isn't evil. Eat it!

N

SLeepless night again. Don't want to sleep because he's no longer there to cling to when the darkness closes around me.

I don't understand this, I don't get they specifics of why. I don't understand any of it.

I know that it hurts.

I wish that it didn't hurt anymore.

Still, we are figuring out this friends thing. His family still want me around to be part of the family. Just a different part that I thought I would end up being. THinking of yourself somewhere, somehow usually backfires. I should have thought of us breaking up ages ago, then we might still be together.

Maybe I'll make it to christmas.

Maybe I won't

N